Insults are best ignored
By Gary Hayden
What is the best way to respond to an insult? I doubt that there is a single 'right' answer to this question. As with so many things in life, it depends upon the circumstances. But here some options.
USE WIT
If you are quick-witted and confident, you may choose to respond with a witty riposte. The British politician and statesman, Winston Churchill, was a master of this art. Lady Astor, the first woman to sit as a Member of Parliament in Britain, once said to him: 'If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.' He replied: 'Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.'
On another occasion, Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him a letter which read: 'I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one.' Churchill responded: 'Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.'
There is a lovely poetic justice about the witty riposte. It hurls the insult right back at the aggressor. However, few of us have the sharp intellect and the coolness under fire to deliver snappy retorts. We find ourselves momentarily stunned into silence, or else floundering for words. Only later does the perfect riposte spring to mind. By then, of course, it is too late.
LASH OUT
If you are a bold and forthright sort of person, you might wish to dispense with the jokes and simply hit back hard. I once had a friend in school called Carl. He was by far the most intelligent, most popular and most charismatic boy in the school. Occasionally, some envious fellow pupil would try to bring him down a peg or two with a snide remark. Big mistake. Carl invariably subjected the hapless fellow to a vicious - and very public - tongue-lashing.
The English writer William Hazlitt once said: 'The way to procure insults is to submit to them: A man meets with no more respect than he exacts.' Carl had the same philosophy. He insisted on being treated with respect; and he was treated with respect.
DON'T PLAY THE GAME
A third option for dealing with an insult is to simply ignore it. The French playwright and actor Moliere, wrote: 'A wise man is superior to any insults which can be put upon him, and the best reply to unseemly behaviour is patience and moderation.'
According to Roman philosopher Seneca (4BC to AD65), that was how great statesman Cato reacted to slights and put-downs. Seneca wrote: 'Cato does not respond to insult; he does not blush; he does not defend himself; he does not play the game; it is beneath him.'
The point here is not merely to ignore the insult, but to rise above it.
Seneca points out that most of the people who get their kicks from insulting others are emotionally immature. They are really just badly behaved overgrown children. So it is foolish to take their taunts to heart. Other people deal in insults because they have deeply flawed characters. These people are often their own worst enemies and perhaps deserve our pity rather than our anger.
And what does it matter if they dislike us? Who needs the approval of people like that?
Ignoring an insult, in a calm and dignified manner, can be a very assertive act. It can rob the aggressor of the pleasure of upsetting us. And the wonderful thing about this strategy is that anyone can adopt it.
You need quick wits and presence of mind to formulate a witty retort; and you need a forceful personality to launch a blistering counter-attack; but anyone can, like Cato, rise above the insult and 'refuse to play the game'.
Gary Hayden is a philosophy and science writer.
His latest book, You Kant Make It Up: Strange Ideas From History's Greatest Philosophers, is available at bookstores.
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