No stress, no loans and no sex even... Lonesome George the tortoise was truly a hero of our times
By Tay Yek Keak, The Straits Times, 2 Jul 2012
No, Lonesome George isn't former American President George W. Bush feeling sad and lonely many years after attacking Iraq.
That's Gruesome George.
It also isn't the nickname of David Beckham after he was dumped from Britain's Olympic football team.
Oh, that's just Groan-some-Dave-Will-Get-Those-Bloody-Bast**ds-When-He-Becomes-PM.
Let me tell you about Lonesome George.
That fella was a hero of our times and a lesson for our age.
He lived frugally (great for these days of economic austerity), ate only grass and leaves (great for a healthy lifestyle), moved very, very slowly (great for staying out of the rat race), wasn't sex-crazed (great for not looking up under-aged hookers online) and this is the clincher - he never changed his house ever, not even once.
Hey, don't blame him for heating up property prices. In fact, he's so attached to his home, basically a no-frills shell without attached bathrooms, that wherever he went, that house actually went along with him.
So, at no point in his life was LG ever technically homeless. Now, that's social responsibility for you.
Lonesome George, you see, was a very rare giant tortoise which lived on one of those strange, faraway isles of the Galapagos Islands.
Before you ask why some are called tortoises and others turtles, I'll explain the difference in simple Olympic Games terms.
A tortoise is strictly a land animal like sprinter Usain Bolt. A turtle swims in the water like Michael Phelps, aka Aquaman.
The links tortoises and turtles share are that they look like your crumpled wallet and will never be able to beat those two dudes in a race unless they're driving a Ferrari.
Anyway, the Galapagos Islands, in case you are wondering, is not the place where the Samsung Galaxy Tab is made.
It's the amazing Paradise Lost chain of islands full of rare animals in the middle of nowhere in the Pacific Ocean which was visited by English naturalist Charles Darwin almost two centuries ago.
Scientists around the world call it the evolutionary birthplace of the Origin Of Species.
Personally, though, my favourite Species was the one that starred a superhot Natasha Henstridge.
Walking Dead-speaking, Lonesome George was the last of his kind.
In fact, he's a last reptile standing subspecies dubbed 'the rarest creature in the world'.
I know this sounds truly amazing.
But this dude, I swear, was even more extinct than Fernando Torres in Spain's national football team.
LG, as you can imagine, was also very, very old at an estimated 100 years old, like Steven Tyler at American Idol.
But unlike cheekopek Tyler, he never flirted with any chick.
We know this because LG's sex life was closely monitored for propagation purposes and the last time he, er, mated was apparently in 2008.
Know what this means?
That thing had actually seen more, you know, hanky-panky action than me.
Now, besides zero sex, Lonesome George also taught us the priceless value of getting along with zero money.
He wasn't greedy, never took a loan, didn't over-max his credit card and didn't need to put a single cent into DBS - the Development Bank of Species - for risky high yields which every bank would later say: 'It's all your damn fault'.
You may see this as not planning for the future. But he would've asked whether, excuse him, you'll live 100 peaceful, debt-free years just like him.
You know, whenever I imagine LG munching grass so blissfully and healthily, I often think of that vegetable farm I've always wanted to grow in the middle of my HDB living room.
I think I'll dedicate what I'm growing to him - as soon as I get that plough from Plants R Us.
Lonesome George certainly didn't plough through the stress of life the way we do.
I don't think he needed to wake up early just to avoid the sardine crowd or catch a great discount on the MRT train.
I mean, come on, that dude's a tortoise, how fast can he go?
They're so slow they'd come in dead last in a race they're not even participating in.
But that's what tortoises do.
Their job is to treat life very, very, very, very patiently and contentedly, and then live very, very long to see it.
I think that's what people mean by extending one's shell, sorry, shelf life.
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