Temper tantrum or a serious problem?

By Jane Ng, The Straits Times, 6 May 2012

Lily was 11 when she first saw her technician father slap her housewife mother whenever he got angry.

Two years later, he hit Lily, first for staying out late with her boyfriend, then for shoplifting. She would protect herself by kicking her father whenever he attacked.

She too, soon became violent and often fought with her brothers. Then, she hit her mother with a mug. She says it was unintentional, but her parents took her to the Juvenile Court, saying they could not cope with her any more. That was last year, when she was 16.

More parents are taking their children to the Juvenile Court and declaring them Beyond Parental Control. Violence has risen to be among their top complaints. The children are accused of beating up their parents or siblings, hurling objects or destroying furniture at home.

For most families, the signs come early. But parents will initially brush aside a child's violent behaviour and call it just a tantrum. It is only when someone gets hurt that they seek help. They then turn to private counsellors or family service centres.

Some take their children to court, spilling out sad stories of families in distress.

One mother turned up with a large purple bruise after her daughter grabbed and twisted her arm during a fight. The girl was angry that her mother had criticised her dressing and called her names.

A man complained that his son threw a television set at him. Another parent said her boy smashed windows and threw household objects because he resented her checking his mobile phone messages.

Hit with a bamboo pole, a girl grabbed the pole from her mother and attacked her in return. A teenager denied access to the home computer kicked a hole in his parents' bedroom door.

In some cases, the children did not attack their parents but hurt themselves or their siblings instead.

Up to half of the parents who went to court each year for the last six years complained of their children turning violent.

This proportion saw a five-fold increase in 2006 and the figure has remained about 35 per cent to 55 per cent of all complaints ever since. A decade ago, violence made up just 13 per cent of the cases heard in the Juvenile Court.

There is reason to worry not only because the numbers are getting higher, but also because the aggressors are getting younger. More children aged 10 to 12 are resorting to violence, even though the bulk of the cases involve those who are 14 to 15 years old.

The question is, why? What's going wrong in Singapore families that is causing children so young to turn violent towards their own parents and family members?

The experts say some are affected by major changes, such as when parents divorce or remarry. But even children from intact families and reasonably well-off homes are turning up in court.

Some, like Lily, have parents who are physically abusive. Others react when they do not get their way, when they feel their parents are infringing on their privacy, or when they think they are being controlled unreasonably.

These cases of soured family relationships also prove that some parents need help with their child-raising methods.

The director of youth services at the Singapore Children's Society, Dr Carol Balhetchet, says: 'Many parents are under the illusion that their children learn violence from their peers. But often when parents reflect on themselves, they will see the answer.' To her, violence is a child's coping mechanism and a desperate cry for help.

For parents driven by desperation to seek the court's help, giving up on their children can be pure heartbreak.

Manager H. Tan, 40, called the police last year when eldest son Alex, 15, punched his brother for showering in another bathroom at the same time as he, because that made his shower not as warm. He had previously hit his brothers and smashed a glass door.

Earlier this year, he punched, scratched and tried to strangle his mother when she tried to cut a long fringe that covered his eyes. When he eventually refused to cut his hair or go to school, his parents took him to court. He was remanded in the Boys' Home for seven weeks until his parents relented and asked for him to return home.

His hairstyle is now a crew cut, but little else has changed in the month that he has been home, says Madam Tan.

The rising number of cases of violent children turning up at the Juvenile Court should sound an alert to parents and those who help them. Experts say violence at any age should be taken seriously and not be treated as a mere passing phase. Seek help early, they say.

By the time things are allowed to go horribly wrong, the court can order a child removed from the family and placed in an institution. Parents may also have to join their problem child for counselling and therapy to repair their broken relationship and learn new ways to communicate effectively.

For most, this is a long haul. Not everyone pulls through to a happy ending.

TOP 5 COMPLAINTS LAST YEAR
- Truancy

- Late nights

- Runaways

- Smoking

- Violence

WORRYING TREND

Number of parents who complained that their children were violent:

2003: 76 out of 598 parents (12.7 per cent)

2004: 40 out of 533 parents (7.5 per cent)

2005: 36 out of 507 parents (7.1 per cent)

2006: 238 out of 658 parents (36.2 per cent)

2007: 369 out of 673 parents (54.8 per cent)

2008: 353 out of 720 parents (49 per cent)

2009: 309 out of 752 parents (41.1 per cent)

2010: 231 out of 617 parents (37.4 per cent)

2011: 223 out of 523 parents (42.6 per cent)